I've been back for almost a month now, but it doesn't feel like what it felt before. It feels like I haven't come back yet.

I think back to not knowing when I'd leave, being left to myself; it gave me peace. I feel like I'm counting my days, and that takes a toll on the experience.

I went surfing at night recently. That reminded me of what it felt like. The healthiest mix of fear and wonder. I need to make these days count, but not at the expense of the days themselves. I won't have this time again, and I need to protect it if I can, and I can.

Having days to myself is important, but having weeks or months has been hard to ask for. I think it hasn't been healthy for me to not have days of my own for so long, especially after it being so easy to come by before.

I can't wait to feel tumbled again, to get lost in it, to have it take me.